We’ve all read his infamous tweets. In our unending quest for the post-truth, DigVentures has used our archaeological nous to track down King Donaeld the Unready and secure an exclusive interview to find out what else is going on under that jewel-encrusted crown. Fasten your seat-belts folks, for some alt-history from the Twitter-phenomenon who claims to be making Mercia great again…
Now that you’re King, do women treat you differently?
Women love me, always have! And I love women. I mean, you seen the Queen of Mercia? Wow! What a looker.
The Anglo-Saxon Chronicle is quite vocal in its criticism of your regime; do you feel Bede is making fair and valid points?
Bad Monk Bede tells fake chronicles! Twistier than his stupid illuminations! Failing Anglo-Saxon Chronicle should know better. Losing many readers!
Who is your best King-friend?
Ulfric the Bald is a great guy, doing great things in the Orkneys. Sure he’s tough but so what. Gotta be tough to be king. Even of the so-called Orkneys.
What are your thoughts on immigration?
Bad! Too many illegal Danes, Jutes, Britons, Frisians and Geats in Mercia. And you know the worst thing? We don’t know the numbers! There could be any number! Bad!
What do you do to relax in the evenings?
Bit of hawking, bit of deer hunting, banquets, feasts, you know. Normal King stuff. I’m very normal. Everyone says.
There’s been lots of talk about building a dyke. Who’s going to pay for that?
Let me say this once. The. Britons. Will. Pay. No choice. It’s gonna be so great. So Great. Great dyke, no more illegal Britons. No more Grendel’s Mother.
The monks of your territories are well-known as healers. Do you feel that serfs should have access to this?
Monks are great guys, lotta skills. And you’ve gotta pay for skills. Ask anyone. We can’t just hand out herbs and stuff for free. The serfs would take them all and leave no healing for those kings that need it!
In your opinion which kingdom has the best women?
Queen (who is a real looker) is from Rheged. Definitely not the Danes or Franks. Couldn’t be, I’m a Germanophobe anyway.
What are the personal qualities you look for when choosing people for your War Council, and who is your favourite advisor?
The Witan is full of really great guys, they’ve got the best experience. Everyone says so. Simeon the Bigoted doing a great job checking all towns for illegal wyverns like Lambton Worm. Great guy!
How do you feel about archaeology?
Get on really well with their King Mortimer. Great kingdom, real great people, they’re going to do great and we are going to do great.
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Written by Lisa Westcott Wilkins
Co-founder and Managing Director of DigVentures, Lisa makes sure the boxes are ticked, the diggers run on time, and that everyone has a *really* good time along the way. She is responsible for the Americanisms, ridiculously strong site coffee and early morning DV dance parties.
