They’re a happy bunch, by and large – quick to laugh and good at mingling. But what happens when archaeologists go bad?

Try any one of the following and you’re guaranteed to find out…

1. Write a post about five guaranteed ways to annoy an archaeologist

Top of the list, has to be writing this list. ‘Thanks a million Dingo!’ they’re probably thinking, ‘Now everyone knows what buttons to press!!!’ Sorry fellow archaeology folks. I’m compelled to tell the truth no matter how unpalatable. It’s a public service.

2. Ask them what’s the best thing they’ve ever found

Ah yes. A classic of its genre. Archaeologists actually really enjoy answering this one. The first million times. Even the second, third and fourth it’s kinda cute. But by the fifth million, that’s when the cracks begin to show, and the sixth? Well, just don’t say we didn’t warn you…

3. Mix ‘archaeologist’ up with ‘architect’ in casual conversation, then throw in a comment about ‘digging up dinosaurs’

GOD IN HEAVEN WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?!

4. Ask anyone sweating with a shovel: ‘have you found any gold/oil/Richard III/ or Australia yet?

Completely ineffective at parties, but cast it merrily from the trench edge and you’re on to a winner. At first it’s just not funny, but don’t let that put you off. Just keep repeating it, over and over again. It’ll get funny eventually.

5. Joke loudly ‘ah, so it must be your lot’s fault for the delays on the A19/new city centre development/hospital rebuild/anything new and important that’s being built’

No, no of course it isn’t – everyone knows archaeology’s part of the planning process, factored into the development cycle from the beginning to make sure progress stays on track. But it’s just a joke, right? Of course. Just make sure you don’t say this ‘joke’ stood next to any deep holes. It can get very, very slippy.

And one way to make sure all is forgiven…

Say the following words, with no deviation, hesitation (but plenty of repetition).

“That was fascinating. Looks like it’s my round. Fancy another?”